Confused

Random writing not be taken seriously.......

I always blamed life for tearing us apart. I always blamed others for not being able to be with you but  I should have just blamed myself. All my life I've had these self deconstructive tendencies that no one can see but me. That is until you walked in, you walked in and made everything good and made everything fall into place. You made me better but my issue is that I have the attention span of a 3 year old. So I ruined it like I ruin everythine else that goes good in my life.

I'm always searching for something, anything that will make me feel whole. So far I've found nothing, except more self hate and more loneliness. I am fully aware of my flaws and I try so hard to ignore them but they are there present as they always are and will be.

Where are you? When will I find you? Are you as destroyed as I am? I've always wondered this to myself. I haven't seen you in so long and I've tried to forget you but I can't. Your like this drug that I cannot get over, an addiction that keeps coming back. We always find each other after every break. We share all these moments together still being so far away but the truth is we don't love each other. We just need each other to survive. I like to think of you as my invisible companion. You have been with me most of my life but what keeps you here? Why don't you go away? I have obviously lived my life but why haven't you? Random girls, random nights, some stay, some don't. I hear you and it hurts. All I want is your happiness but how can I give you yours when I haven't found mine......
Life is complicated and I believe love is only a myth. I thought I found love on several occasions. How stupid of me for each time I have been wrong. I can honestly say I no longer believe in love. I believe in people wanting to escape their reality, thier lonliness so they use people as tools.

People wonder why I put up walls and they wonder why I am so insecure. I just laugh because it doesn't matter it's not like anyone cares. I am so tired of begging, so tired of wanting to feel loved, of waiting to be heard. So I will quit trying and just keep to myself. I have always had you to turn to but not anymore. I rather do this alone just like I have always. I will just keep crying until it hurts no more. Until I feel so numb that I won't care anymore, I will just smile and keep pretending that all is good. It is all I can do. I've done it all my life so I have it perfected. Smile and noone will know that behind the smile and eyes full of wonder is a little doll whose heart was born shattered....


xx